Thinking

I don't know what is wrong with me for now. For some reason, I can not get myself to be like how I used to be in the past. I have neglected my praying duties, skipped Mass and did not go to Confession (which is only one day a week at one time only, and makes it harder for me to get to). I do not want to say much about this problem, because I have not told anyone except those whom I chatted with on the internet and will have already forgotten me in about a week. The result of their help was that I should rather avoid the problem and soon enough, through prayer and the grace of God, it will hopefully disperse from me.

Of course, I had my doubts on whether that would truly remedy my problem instead of making it worse. But yesterday I came late to Mass and prayed at the church for about an hour past in order to make up for it. After being filled with the Spirit for a little while and seeking God in silent prayer, I felt some relief despite my sinful self behind me. Yet I really did with to know what was the matter with me?

I'm fighting within myself, unfortunately. As one person whom I chatted with on the internet has told me, I am acting like a spoiled child and should rather avoid it at all, with capitals of course. But it is strange indeed, that I would allow myself to be shaken with this thought at all! Perhaps I am in need of comfort, but spiritually I would rather want my God than anything else in the world. But even that, although desirable can be disconnected and almost unfathomable to us humans here on earth. There are so many others paths to take, and one will wonder inevitably of which one to take. Then as one partakes on a particular path, there will always be others ready and posed to criticise and advertise.

But what can I do? As much as I am tempted by the world, I can not do that if I wish to be under the will of Yahweh God, as He is the only Truth this world can not see, and I fear that the world gradually worsens every decade and quicklier as time passes by. Further and further do we spiral into unbelief and resorting that God is a mere fable expressed in the past to describe what was once superstitious beliefs, such as the creation of mankind and His relation to humanity.

It is rather strange, that the human in this present society seems to learn that the only sense of satisfation, complete satisfaction in life, is through the gratification of the self. It's rather foolish, when one rationalises, but it is too true that we have become such a greedy society with a greedy economy, down to the very self. And I look at myself and Jesus, who gave up His own life, a normal mortal life of God and sacrificed Himself on the Cross. He has told us that by having nothing, we have gained life everlasting. Yet I, like millions and billions of people in the world, am too stubborn sometimes to even practice the true doctrine of Christ Jesus in my life. It is quite stupid, actually.

There is so much corruption in this world, and it starts internally. If we can reach the heart internally, then beauty flourishes in that which was once wounded. My own heart is so deeply wounded and inclined to sin, and yet with the Grace of Christ, I know that even through my weaknesses, I can be strong.